Bathroom Trouble
by Riyuji.Raicho
Summary: [Discontinued] Chapter 3 up. Somethings are happening in the Apartment in of the FF7 cast... and they have to deal with all of the odd things... Warning: MADNESS ON THE WAY!
1. Of Monopoly and Evil Purple Dinosaurs

Bathroom Trouble  
By: Riyuji  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Final Fantasy 7 characters or the game itself. Squaresoft and some other parties that I am not aware of own it. I am not making any money out of this (though I wish I was ^_^), I'm only doing this for the fun of it and for the entertainment of others. Hope you enjoy it.  
  
Author's Notes: I wrote this after my 'very clever' cousin got us locked one of the rooms in my house. It sucked being in that frickin' room of at least half an hour... but at least I came up with this fic.  
  
~*~ Chapter One: Of Monopoly and Evil, Purple Dinosaurs ~*~  
  
The Final Fantasy Seven cast are found lying around in their apartment. Cloud, Barret and Cid are sitting on the couch, watching Barney. Red XIII lay down on the rug watching the others play Monopoly with real gil.  
  
Cloud: (Yawns) Yo Barret! Why are we watching this freakin' pansy-ass kids' show?  
Barret: Like hell, I know! Cid wuz the foo' that placed it there!  
Cid: What the --?!  
Yuffie: (Jumps around like a wallaby) Yahoo! Now that I have Boardwalk I'll put a hotel there! Anyone who sets foot on it will pay 600 gil!  
Cait Sith: Do we really have to play with real cash? I'm going broke.  
Yuffie: Shut the hell up cat! It was your freaking idea anyway. (Throws three ninja stars at Cait Sith)  
Cait Sith: (Gets hit and short circuits) Bzzt! Power is draining... (Shuts down)  
Yuffie: Oh sh*t! I killed the cat!  
Vincent: ...  
Cloud: No one really cares.  
Yuffie: (All confused) Oh...   
Barret: Gimme that frickin' remote!  
Cid: But I wanna watch Barney!!!  
Everyone: Barney?! You actually want to watch that?  
Cid: (Grins very sheepishly) Well, um... (Runs out the room like an idiot)   
Red XIII: Cretin Maricon and Bakerou!  
Barret: Wha' wuz that 'bout?   
Yuffie: I dunno... (Steal's Cait's properties)  
Tifa: Gawd! It sure is hot in here. Could someone turn on the air-conditioning?  
  
::crickets::  
  
Tifa: Never mind. Could someone play for me instead?  
  
::owl hoots::  
  
Tifa: Aww... (Glances across the room and eyes Cloud, who is now watching the Sacramento Kings, get pummeled by the Los Angeles Lakers, together with Barret) Cloud?   
Cloud: Hmm? Tifa? What is it?  
Tifa: Cloud could you please take my place in the game while I take a quick shower? (Bats eyelashes)  
Yuffie: *Hack* (clutches onto neck and gags) *Hack, cough, hack*  
Cloud: (Jaw hangs open and tongue rolls down to the floor at the mention of shower)  
Vincent: ...  
Yuffie: ...  
Tifa: (Looks at Vincent and Yuffie)  
Vincent: (Stares blankly in silence) ...  
Yuffie: (Stares blankly in silence) ...  
Tifa: You two are so alike in more ways than one.  
Yuffie and Vincent: (Shouts really loud) WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! GAWD!! WE DON'T EVEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER!!!  
Vincent: (Avoids eye contact with Yuffie)  
Yuffie: (Avoids eye contact with Vincent)  
Tifa: Okay... So Cloud? Can you please play for me? (Eyes shimmer)  
Cloud: (Stares at her breasts) Huh? (Picks his tongue up from the floor) Sure! Anything for you, Tiff!  
Tifa: Okay! Thanks Cloud! (Stands from the floor)  
Cloud: (Stares up her skirt and catches a glimpse of her panties) He, he.  
Tifa: No peeking! (Smiles, ruffles Cloud's hair a bit, then leaves the vicinity of the room)  
Cloud: (Stares at Tifa; imagies her in towel images in his mind, which resulted to him drooling)  
Everyone: (Stares at Cloud all funny)  
Red XIII: Cretins!  
Cid: (Jumps into the room in a Barney costume) He he he! Hi kids!  
Yuffie: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!! Evil purple dinosaur! Must resist!  
Cid: (Still in Barney costume) C'mon now kids! (Sings) Joooohn Jacob Jingle Hiemer Schmidt! His name was my name too! Whenever I got out the people always shout... there goes John Jacob Jingle Hiemer Schmidt! La la la la la! John Jacob Jingle Hiemer Schmidt...  
Cloud: (Falls off the couch clutching his ears) No must stay humane! Must resist the temptation to sing the song! Twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder where you are...  
Barret: ARGH!!! (Shoots Cid)  
Cid: (Still in Barney suit, flops to the floor)  
Yuffie: Is he dead?  
Red XIII: (Taps him with his paw) I'm not sure.  
Cid: (In Barney suit, springs to life) No I'm not! This suit is bulletproof! (Sings again) John Jacob Jingle Hiemer Schmidt! His name was my name too! Whenever I got out the people always shout... there goes John Jacob Jingle Hiemer Schmidt! La la la la la! John Jacob Jingle Hiemer Schmidt...  
Yuffie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *gasp* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *gasp* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *gasp* OOOOOOOOOOO! (Runs around the room clutching ears)  
Barret: (Jumps to the chandelier, clutching his ears, and hanging on for dear life) Make him stop!!!  
Cloud: (Still on the floor with hands on his ears) The humanity!  
Red XIII and Vincent: (Stares at everyone, unaffected)  
Red XIII: [Good thing we have this ear plugs on]  
Vincent: [What?!]  
Red XIII: [I said, good thing we have this ear plugs on]  
Vincent: WHAT?!  
Red XIII: [Never mind!]  
Vincent: [I can't hear you! Speak up!]  
Cait Sith: (Comes in) Hi, I'm Cait Sith number three. Did I miss anything? (Looks at the havoc happening in the room)  
Yuffie: (Is now running across the walls)  
Barret: (Still on the chandelier)  
Cloud: (Still on floor singing Bop Bop Baby) Oh da bop bop baby please, don't let me go...  
Cait Sith: (Sees Cid in the Barney costume) *gasp* I think I'm in love. (Jumps toward Cid)  
Cid: (Sees Cait Sith jumping to him so he stops singing and back away) Don't you come any frickin' closer you damn cat! (Runs away like an idiot) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
Cait Sith: (Chases Cid) Wait! I love you! Come back to me!  
Yuffie: Are we still alive?!  
Cloud: Barely!  
Barret: Remind me to kill dat foo'! Damn him!  
  
Three minutes later...  
Cid: (Still in the Barney costume) Hey! I'm back!  
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!  
Barret: Die! (Shoots Cid repeatedly)  
Cid: It's okay! I won't sing!  
Yuffie: (From behind the couch) Can we trust you?? (Shivers)  
Cloud: Don't trust him! He's evil!  
Yuffie: Prove that we can trust you!  
Cid: I killed the f*cking cat! Frickin' good proof, eh?  
Cloud: Cid's back! ... By the way how'd you kill him?  
Cid: I sand John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt to him!  
Everyone: (Stares and face-faults) 


	2. Rain, Piranhas and Teletubbies

~*~ Chapter Two: Rain, Piranhas and Teletubbies ~*~  
  
An hour after the weird havoc that erupted in the FF7 apartment...  
  
Yuffie: Isn't anyone wondering why Tifa ain't back yet? I mean like... it's been at least an hour already... I think it's been like, too long now, y'know?  
  
::crickets::  
  
Yuffie: ...Now I know how Tifa felt earlier...  
  
::owl hoots::  
  
Yuffie: No one's paying attention to me so I'll just go check on her then... (Grabs her monopoly properties and her gil)  
Cloud: Um, what are you doing?  
Yuffie: Taking my stuff away from here... with me.  
Cloud: ...Uh, why?  
Yuffie: I don't trust any of you, guys. Once I turn my back you're all just gonna steal my properties and gil...  
Cloud: (Stands and glares at Yuffie) What kind of friend are you? Can't you trust us?  
Yuffie: Uh... no.  
Cloud: (Grins mischievously) C'mon Yuffie. You could trust us. Go ahead and check on Tifa. We promise not to get anything. Right guys?  
Vincent: ... (nods)  
Cait Sith: Ditto to that.  
Barret: I don't frickin' give a damn.  
Cid: %*$#%@($(*%$%*$#(*&%$ #&  
Nanaki: As you wish.  
Cloud: (Grins very widely)  
Yuffie: Okay, okay. I'll leave it! DON'T GET A DAMN THING OR YOU GUYS ARE SO FREAKIN' ASKING FOR IT!!!  
Cloud: ... Sure, fine... whatever.  
Yuffie: (Turns and leaves)  
Cloud: (Whistles and inches close to Yuffie's gil) Hehehehe... Dude, she is like so gullible! Hehehe (Steals all Yuffie's gil)  
Vincent: ...  
Nanaki: Weirdo.  
Vincent: Why are there so few words in your supposedly wide vocabulary, as I have been told.  
Nanaki: That is of a reason that even I am not aware of.  
Vincent: Really now? Well, from my sources you are presumably the all-knowing.  
Nanaki: And maybe your sources are just an assemblage of insolent, over-confident pups?  
Vincent: (Weird English gentlemanly accent) Now see here young fellow...  
Nanaki: Young? I'll teach you for calling me young!!! (Bares white teeth that shimmer to the bright morning sun)  
Vincent: (Weird English gentlemanly accent) High-ho Diggetty! Tally-ho!!!  
Cloud: Dude! You two are tishing again.  
Cait Sith: Tishing?  
Barret: Dammit foo'! You've bin watsching too much' of dat Disney Channel.  
Cait Sith: Tishing?  
Cid: And too much of those freakin' Weekenders.  
Cait Sith: Tishing?  
Cloud: Well you, pumpkin pie have been watching too much Teletubies.  
Cid: (Pokes Cloud on the nose with his Venus Gospel) What the hell you just call me?  
Cait Sith: Tishing?  
Cloud: Easy now, trigger. Put down the spear. (Grabs Ultima from behind him)  
Cid: (Sees Ultima being unsheathed so he hits Cloud's hand, causing him to drop his sword) Ha! You gotta do better than that, Spike!  
Cloud: That's what I intend to do! (leans down and trips Cid)  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Yuffie: (Knocks on the door of the bathroom) Yo Tifa! You still in there?  
  
:: No answer ::  
  
Yuffie: Tifa?  
Tifa: Yuffie? Is that you?  
Yuffie: Yeah! So what's like taking you so long in there? Ain't you done yet? It's been like... y'know, over an hour already!!!  
Tifa: Uh, Yuffie?  
Yuffie: And besides... huh? Yeah... what is it?  
Tifa: The door's stuck...  
Yuffie: WHAT?! REALLY??? (Struggles to open the door) Hey... you're right! Waitaminute! I'll go get Cloud! (Runs to the living room)  
Tifa: What?! Yuffie!!! Yuffie!!! WAIT!!!  
  
In the living room...  
Cid: (Tries to slash Cloud with his spear)  
Cloud: (Dodges the attack and counters it) Hah! Is that all you got Cid?  
Cid: Whaddya mean by that? I'm just warming up.  
Cloud: I'm sure you'll break out in a sweat soon enough.  
Cid: I don't count on it.  
Cloud: Wanna bet.  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie?  
Barret: (Flips channels in the TV)  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie?  
Vincent: What a foolhardy group.  
Nanaki: Wastes such valuable time instead of doing something like philosophical research to ease the tense and stressed minds.  
Cloud: (Pauses the "game" or battle with Cid) There you are... tishing again. (Unpauses the "game" to continue the battle with Cid)  
Cait Sith: Tishing?  
Everyone: (Stares at Cait Sith)  
Cait Sith: Tishing?  
Everyone: (Walk toward Cait Sith)  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie?  
Cloud: (Grabs hold of Cait's right hand)  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie?  
Cid: (Grabs onto Cait's left arm)  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie?  
Barret: (Takes his right leg)  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie?  
Vincent: (Seizes his left leg)  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie?  
Nanaki: (Tries to go under to support Cait)  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie?  
Everyone: (Exits to the balcony, dragging Cait Sith with them)  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie?  
Yuffie: (Enters the room) Cloud! Cloud!! CLOUD!!! Tifa's... huh? (Looks around to see ripped pillows everywhere, the TV running, monopoly pieces scattered and feathers flying everywhere) What the f*ck happened here? Cloud! Where are you? Oh, well. (Goes back to the room she came from)  
  
Outside...  
Cloud: Did you hear someone calling me?  
Nanaki: I didn't here anything.  
Cloud: ...Hmm, okay! On the count of three, drop him! One...  
Cid: Two...  
All: Three!!! (Drops Cait Sith into a swimming pool)  
Cait Sith: Tishing? Pumpkin pie? (Lands in the water and short-circuits)  
Cloud: All right! Now... for the main event! Who has the piranhas?  
Vincent: Are the fish in here? (Points to a rusty, side-bitten bucket)  
Cloud: That's the one! Bring it over here!  
Barret: Let's dump it on the foo'!  
Cloud: Be my guest.  
Barret: (Drops the piranhas together with the bucket)  
Cid: Look at those freaks go!  
Piranhas: (Land in the water and devour the floating Cait Sith)  
Cait Sith: Tish-i-ng-ng-ng... Pum-pik-kin-p-y-py...  
Cloud: Oh yeah! Point for the Cloud maester!  
Nanaki: Don't' you mean master?  
Cloud: Yeah, sure... whatever.  
  
It starts raining and everybody gets wet...  
  
Barret: I'm going inside.  
Nanaki: I wouldn't want to be catching an abnormal temperature and pulse right now don't we?  
Vincent: ...  
Cid: $&@%&(#&(&^%(&%(@  
Cloud: (Stares up into the sky) Stupid eehhh! Rain... my worst enemy. (Signature spikes start drooping) Damn you! (Gets hit by a lightning bolt) Owchies... (Goes inside)  
Barret: (Flips channel)  
TV: (Is playing Teletubbies) Laalaa! Po!  
Cid: Oh no! Teletubbies!!! (Covers ears) It's not working! (Transforms) Eh-oh!!! Big hug!  
Barret: Wha' you talkin' abou' foo'?  
Cloud: (Spikes still drooping) What the --?! Dude! He's talking like a damn teletubby... I mean like... DUDE!!!  
Cid: (Changes channel of TV)  
TV: (Is playing "Without Me" by Eminem in the Dancing Osama bin Laden part)  
Cid: (Dances out the room) Tewetabbies! Tewetabbies! So this looks like a job for me... nanananana!  
Barret and Cloud: (Stare at Cid)  
Nanaki: (Licks his paws)  
Vincent: ...  
Cloud: Gotta go to the bathroom... Need to straighten out my spikes! 


	3. Stupid EEEH Door!

~*~ Chapter Three: Stupid (EEEH) Door!!! ~*~  
  
Outside the bathroom…  
  
Yuffie: They ain't there…  
Tifa: They ain't there?  
Yuffie: Nope! (Sits in front of the door)  
Cloud: (Walks in) Hey Yuffie!   
Yuffie: Hey Cloud… What happened to your hair?  
Cloud: It's raining outside… it kinda like… y'know… got wet. Is Tiff done yet?  
Yuffie: Nope… Tiff! Cloud's out here.  
Tifa: Hey Cloud!  
Cloud: Hiya Tiff! Done yet? I need to fix my hair.  
Tifa: Uhm… Cloud?  
Cloud: Yeah?  
Tifa: The door's kinda… sorta… um… stuck?  
Cloud: Huh? Whatcha talking about?!  
Tifa: I'm talking about the stuck door. What can't you understand there?  
Cloud: The stuck part.  
Tifa: Cloud if I was out there you would so be dead by now.  
Cloud: (Grins sheepishly) Okay… okay. Lemme see that. (Turns the knob) Hey, you're right… It is stuck.  
Tifa: (Sweatdrops) No duh, brainiac…  
Cloud: Why don't you use a key?  
Yuffie: Cloud! You dolt! The damn door doesn't have a gatdern freakin' keyhole. (Shouting in Cloud's ear) You do you think we could bust into the darn extras houses throughout the whole duration of the game?  
Cloud: Wha? I can't hear you. All I hear is constant ringing of bells and… things…  
Yuffie: (Punches Cloud in the face) You stupid, stupid gatdern idiot! Aren't you gonna help Tifa?! Or do I have to hang you from the ceiling using your gatdern nads before you decide to do even a small gatdern thing?! (Beats Cloud to a pulp)  
Cloud: (Takes out Ultima) Alright already! Don't make me use this on you or I will so slice you up!  
Yuffie: (Shuts up and clampers to a corner) Meanie!  
Cloud: Good! I'm glad we could come into good terms peacefully. (Sheaths Ultima)  
Yuffie: You're mean! And you're abusing me too…! (Get ready to shout) CHILD ABUSE!  
Cloud: What the hell? Shut up Yuffie!  
Yuffie: Child Abuse! Help me!  
Cloud: Whoa, hold it! Keep it down Yuff! (Shouts) SHUT UP!  
Yuffie: (Becomes quiet and stares at Cloud)  
Cloud: (Sighs)  
Yuffie: WAH! (Grabs Conformer from behind and chucks the thing at Cloud)  
Cloud: (Eyes grow as big as plates) Holy Sh--!!! (Conformer misses his face by two inches) WTF?! Why did you just do that you gatdern half-pint?  
Yuffie: (Stares with huge eyes and is silent)  
Cloud: Yo! Ninja Freak! Aren't you listening to me?  
Yuffie: (Snickers) Dude!  
Cloud: (Walks toward Yuffie and grabs her shoulders) What? What is it? What the hell are you laughing at?  
Yuffie: (Wriggles out of Cloud's grip and rolls on the floor laughing) Dude! (Clutches her sides) I can't believe what you have just done dude!  
Cloud: (Stares at Yuffie, blinking hysterically) Huh? What did I just do? What can't you believe I just did?  
Yuffie: (still on the floor, laughing) You… he, he, he… you… ha, ha… you… (Points at Cloud's pants) I can't believe that you just wet your pants, dude!  
Cloud: Huh?  
Yuffie: (Laughing) I said… you… ha, ha, ha… you… *gasp* WET YOUR PANTS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Cloud: (Face-faults and turns his head down) Oh, Sh*t! (Face turns really red)  
Tifa: I know that I have been quiet for the past five minutes but I couldn't help but wonder…but… what is happening out there?  
Yuffie: Hey Tifa?! (Laughs) Your "boyfriend" just wet his pants!  
Tifa: What?! Cloud? Is what Yuffie says true? You wet your pants?  
Cloud (Face turns redder) …uh…uh…uh…  
Yuffie: Wait till the others hear about this! (Runs to the living room)  
Cloud: Yuffie! Wait! Don't tell them… Dammit! (Stares at himself on a mirror) Man, I better change. (Starts to run but slips on a "puddle") Owch! What the hell? Oh man… (Finds out what he slipped on then runs to his room)  
Tifa: Cloud! Don't leave yet! Cloud?  
  
:: crickets ::  
:: owl hoots ::  
:: tumble weed rolls by with the wind ::  
  
Tifa: I'm all alone again…  
  
In the living room….  
Yuffie: Yo guys!  
Barret: Whatcho want?  
Yuffie: What happened to Barret?  
Nanaki: Too much TV.  
Vincent: …  
Yuffie: What happened to Cait Sith?  
Nanaki: They dropped him into the pool with piranhas.  
Vincent: …  
Yuffie: Damn. I wish I could have seen that… What happened to Cid?  
Nanaki: The last time that we saw him… he danced you the room "Teletubby" Style singing "Without Me."  
Yuffie: "Teletubby style"? Should have seen that too… But, (giggles) wait till you hear this… (Rolls on the floor laughing again) Rather see this!  
Nanaki: What happened to you?  
Yuffie: (ROFLs)  
Nanaki: What happened to her?  
Vincent: … (shrugs)  
Barret: Foo'  
Vincent: …  
Nanaki: (Lets out a paw) Nice to have you back Vincent.  
Vincent: Glad to be back. (Takes Nanaki's paw and shakes it)  
Yuffie: So y'know!  
Nanaki: Know what?  
Yuffie: CLOUD WET HIS PANTS!  
Barret: No kiddin' foo'?  
Yuffie: No joke!  
Vincent: …  
Nanaki: Really?  
Yuffie: Really really!  
Barret: Foo'! I gotta msee this foo'!  
  
In Cloud's room…  
Cloud: Damn that Yuffie! (Changes to jeans and t-shirt) That gatdern Conformer almost killed me! (Trudges back to the bathroom but happens to notice Cid in his room) What's Cid doin' in his room at this time of day? He only goes in there at nighttime to sleep. (Takes a peek)  
Cid: (Is fixing an AK-47)  
Cloud: Hey Cid! What's up?  
Cid: (Cocks his gun) Stay back or I am gonna shoot!  
Cloud: Whoa! (Raises his hands) Easy there!  
Cid: Arr…  
Cloud: Hey… we could use that gun y'know?  
Cid: For what?  
Cloud: You'll see… 


End file.
